Hell Week for the Goose

“I do not believe in God, because I do not believe in Mother Goose.” Clarence Darrow

Perhaps Clarence was confused about the reality of Mother Goose. He was definitely confused about God. But even Mother Goose who has abundant faith, hope and love is at a loss for an explanation when it comes to the events of this past week. Let’s reflect together for just a few minutes about the Hell Week of a Goose.

On Monday, the youngest of the goslings mentioned that she felt something was in her eye. Mother Goose looked and saw nothing.

On Tuesday, the child’s eyelid was puffed up like a cumulus cloud. Mother Goose ran to her medicine cabinet and pulled out two ophthalmic products — a small bottle of eye drops and a tube of neomycin ointment (an antibiotic). She dutifully applied both products to the right eye of the child. Within an hour, the pupil in the child’s right eye was completely dilated. The puffiness had not diminished.

Not my daughter’s eye, but definitely a dilated pupil.

Well, how strange, thought Mother Goose. “Let’s just go to sleep now, and I’m sure you’ll be fine tomorrow morning for the first day of school.”

And, of course, in the morning, the eye was puffier than ever and the pupil was still dilated. The brave child went off to school anyway, leaving Mother Goose at home to Google this problem, and to make an appointment with the doctor. The antibiotic cream was fine, according to Google. Mother Goose now googled the name of the prescription eyedrops, Atropine. “A very strong medicine for dilating the pupil, used primarily for glaucoma patients, people with bleeding eyes and dogs with eye infections…”

Yes, our dog had used these drops in her eyes just a few months ago for her eye infection.

Oh, Mother Goose…

Four days later, my daughter’s pupil is nearly back to its normal size and activity.

Oh, Mother Goose…

Also this week, the husband of Mother Goose was the subject of a dental procedure — the extraction of his abscessed molar.

The molar of husband Goose didn’t look this good…

On the same day, one of the goosemobiles suffered a meltdown, requiring a $500 repair at the Pep Boys.

They do everything for less…

Another of the goslings accidentally smashed his arm into a door, requiring a trip to the Emergency Room at our local hospital. The poor fellow cracked it so terribly hard that he couldn’t straighten it out. The good folks at West Suburban Medical Center took a few xrays and determined that the arm was neither broken nor dislocated, only horribly bruised.

We’ve been here several times over the years…

Whew… it’s been just awful for Mother Goose who was crying and honking all at the same time.

Did I mention that I also sliced a huge chunk out of my index finger as I washed the perpetual dishes one morning?

Do you ever have days like these? Do you ever just want to throw your wings up in the air and give up? Do you shake your fist at the heavens and swear revenge on the universe? Have you ever just wanted to go back to bed and start the week all over again?

Mother Goose shed her fair share of tears this week in the course of these light and momentary struggles and trials. There was even a bit of shouting in our normally peaceful nest. Yes, shouting. Can you even imagine?

But whether we believe in Mother Goose or in God, either or both, here’s the eventual outcome:

Each of us survived our personal battles this week. Each of us has made it to Friday night, pretty much intact. We are weary of the Hell Week and hope that tomorrow and the next day will be better, but deep within each of us is the truth that no matter what problems we face, what fears we have, no matter if the incorrect eye drops have been placed in our eyes, it’s gonna be OK.

When we get to the other side of Hell Week, we are full of hope that we can probably get through anything. There is much grace in Hell Week. It’s gonna be OK.

It’s one of the favorite sayings of Mother Goose — she knows it’s true because she lives it out every day.

It’s gonna be OK. Really!

“The facilities are usable.”

The sweet words of Master Plumber Len were like music in the ears of Mother Goose this morning. There can be stress when a home has no outgoing drainage. There can be MUCH stress when the plumbing utterly and miserably fails. There can be harsh words spoken when flushing of the toilets does not achieve the desired effect of evacuating the waste product from the home of a goose. There can be tears. There can be a sense of hopelessness that the world is indeed caving in just like the one-hundred year old sewer pipe which is buried under the concrete basement floor.

Mother Goose and four of her children did themselves evacuate the premises, preferring the comforts of a local Best Western rather than go wandering through the backyard in search of a suitable spot under a tree to relieve themselves during the night and wee hours of the morning.

The majority of the plumbing in our home is quite old. The original deed on our house is dated 1895. That is not a typographical error — 1895 is truly the legal birthday of this house. I suspect the house was built before then, but they just made it official in 1895. Let’s shine the light of historical perspective on this date, just for fun…

Grover Cleveland was the president of the United States. Remember Grover?

Loving the tie, Mr. President.

America’s first official automobile race was held in Chicago. “The race started in the early morning in snowy conditions. A little over 10 hours later, Frank Duryea was the first to cross the finish line having survived a journey punctured by numerous breakdowns and repairs. He had averaged 7.3 miles per hour and took home a prize of $2,000 ($49,500 in today’s money).” (courtesy of EyeWitnesstoHistory.com)

Charles Duryea, 1895 speed monster

The first movie projector was demonstrated in the United States. It was named the “Panopticon” by its inventors, Woodville Latham and his sons Otway and Gray.

The American Bowling Congress was organized in Beethoven Hall, N.Y., to restore respectability to the sport and popularize it.

And, American men got a new pin-up queen, the Gibson Girl, drawn by Charles Dana Gibson for major magazines.

Those drainage pipes under the basement of Mother Goose have seen a lot in their day — so much that they did indeed collapse under the strain of their endeavors. The hard-working plumbers of Nuzzo Sewer and Plumbing are to be commended for their own endeavors yesterday and today. Thank you so much, dear plumbing guys.

Unearthing the broken pipe…

Not wanting to get too close to this…

Old clay pipe now replaced by nice modern plastic pipe and fresh concrete poured to cover the scene of the problem… “The facilities are usable.”

Important Stats for a Goose

  • 77,493 honks to date

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May 2022