Little Wife Blows Away!

Little Wife, my dear smallish friend, blew in this morning for a visit. And I mean literally she blew in — the wind is gusting up to 40 mph here in Oak Park which makes for a pretty hazardous day for Little Wife. For readers who are new to Mother Goose stories, my friend Little Wife stands a mere 51 inches tall, and the really strange thing is that she used to be a more average height of 65 and 1/2 inches tall. Yes, Little Wife is shrinking.

You may have seen the movie from 1981 The Incredible Shrinking Woman starring Lily Tomlin.

Well, that’s actually what is happening to Little Wife. She was fine until she got married to her first husband, Albert Beevus Sebring III. That’s when the shrinking began. Then she married Freddie Schnitzel and the shrinking accelerated. And now she is married to Big Man, and the shrinking seems to be slowing down, but she is still getting smaller and smaller.

The doctors are obviously baffled.

Lily Tomlin’s character, Pat Kramer, shrunk because of her exposure to an experimental perfume that her husband was working on. Little Wife appears to be shrinking because of her various husbands! Amazing, right? How truly strange for her. But I must tell you she accepts her position in life with grace and hope and joy and peace. She’s awfully patient with others, and keeps a bright perspective on life.

On rainy days, people use umbrellas. On windy days, Little Wife uses a Garden Weasel.

It works so well for her. When she needs to go out on a windy day like today, she simply rolls the Garden Weasel along the ground. The spiky wheels dig into the lawns and grassy areas where she walks along, anchoring her and preventing her from just catching a gust of wind and blowing away.

Of course, it doesn’t work well when she is walking in the city where there’s nothing for the weasel to grab onto as she strolls along those downtown sidewalks. And sadly, Little Wife has had some very scary moments of being lifted up off the sidewalk and whoooshed up into the air. You have no doubt stood and gazed in wonder at plastic grocery store bags being lifted by crazy currents and gusty winds in the city — well, my friend Little Wife has floated up just as high as those baggies. Here’s how she described one of those experiences:

“I was wearing my cute blue plaid skirt which is cut very full, and I was hurrying along the sidewalk to get to my appointment with the endocrinologist. I should have worn slacks, but I was feeling so feminine that day, so I wore my favorite skirt. And my high heels. My heels help me to feel taller and a little more important, especially for these visits with the specialist. The doctors tend to look down on me…

“But as I was crossing the street at Michigan Avenue and Van Buren, I was suddenly caught up in a blast of wind from the grand canyons of Chicago’s loop. I didn’t have my Garden Weasel with me, and there was nothing to anchor me to the sidewalk. Big Man would have come along with me, but he had a client meeting that day and could not accompany me to the doctor appointment. So whooooosh UP I went, just like one of those grocery store baggies that we sometimes see sailing overhead. What a surprise it was for me! I know that I’m a smallish woman, but for goodness sakes, this was a mighty strong wind to lift and carry me up and up and up.

“Fortunately, the wind was out of the west and blew me up and over Michigan Avenue. Otherwise, I may have smashed into a sky scraper or gotten sucked into the tracks of the elevated trains. Instead, I floated crazily over Millenium Park and the Buckingham Fountain. Even though this was frightening for me to blow away, it was actually very lovely. The children were playing and the tourists were standing around with their cameras, and some folks were taking Segway Tours. Then a small child spotted me flying overhead, and shouted, “There goes a little wife!” Many people took pictures of me so high up in the sky. And then I began to feel quite nervous, as I was floating ever closer to Lake Shore Drive and, of course, Lake Michigan.

“I began to wonder what would become of me in this terrible wind. How could I possibly get back down to the ground? And if I didn’t return to our home in Oak Park, who would cook dinner for Big Man? And then the most wonderful thing happened! A large flock of seagulls were flying and spying for leftover tourist food. They spotted me in my unusual predicament and realized that I needed their help. They surrounded me, and I grabbed onto their big strong seagull wings. We worked together as a living aerial team — a cooperative action between birds and a little person — to bring me safely to the ground.

“I thanked them profusely for saving my life. They walked and waddled with me to the doctor’s office, making sure that I didn’t have anymore trouble with the wind. Actually, the wind had settled down quite a bit, so I decided they were only waiting for me to buy them a bag of Cheeto’s to share. So that is how I repaid them for their kindness to me on that wild and woolly day.”

Isn’t that just an alarming story of what can happen when you are as tiny a person as Little Wife? She has to be so careful all the time. She really learned her lesson that day, for sure.

Wherever you are today, I hope your day is not too windy that you blow away. Bee blessed!

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November 2011